Losing a Soul Mate Hurts…License or Not

Karen and I have never met in person, yet we have a very strong bond between us. Though we have been “cyber” friends for a long time, we now “get” each other even more and spend countless hours talking about our feelings. Unfortunately, the thing we have in common is that Karen recently lost the love of her life just like I did back in 2009.

Karen and John’s tale is a magical love story that many of us were privileged to watch develop on line. John’s death was sudden and left Karen alone and devastated. I get that feeling….it’s still there after more than two years of living alone in a world I never wanted. Karen and John never got the chance to marry, though I am sure that would have been in their plans, yet her grief is every bit as strong as mine is.

The thing is, a soul mate is a soul mate and a marriage license does not dictate the level of pain a person goes through when they lose someone that they loved with all of their heart. Marriage license or not, we both hurt the same, shed the same storm of tears, feel the same loneliness and grief.

I got to thinking about all of this, and the use of the term Widow. It doesn’t necessarily mean someone who was married and lost her mate. Karen feels as much a widow now as I do. I called this blog “My Widow’s Web” not because of the term, but much because of the way I felt.

Losing someone you love, is like running into a spider web. You know that panicked, creepy feeling, where you swing your arms and want to get away, but it seems like every direction you turn that web is still there, seeming to cut off your sanity and any rational thought you could possibly muster? I feel like I have been walking around in a web these past two years. The small little threads cling to me, even though others might not be able to see them.

I encouraged Karen, who is also a writer, to start a blog of her own to express her feelings. The grief of losing a soul mate is not something we wanted to have in common, but it is something we can help each other through. If you need us, we will help you, console you or just listen to you. You can even help us, as Karen starts her Journey Through the Darkness and I continue to fight my way out of My Widows Web.

A marriage license doesn’t dictate how much you love someone or how much it hurts to lose them….we all hurt, grieve, cry and feel totally lost…it’s a journey none of us wanted, but hopefully together, we can continue to put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, I’ll hold you up and sometimes you may have to hold me up….we can do this, one step at a time.

Year Two of My Journey

I find it hard to believe that it has been 2 years now that have been a widow. The past year has seen many ups and downs for me. Is life getting any better? Sometimes I think it is and at other times I think I am just adapting as best as I can. I still miss my husband and I suppose always will.

I do try to venture out of the house more than I did the first year. It still feels very odd to attend family functions by myself, but I am managing and most times I enjoy them. It's the times when I come home or everyone leaves my home, that I am hit with the intense loneliness.

The Midwest has been slammed with severe storms this spring. I am terrified of storms and especially tornadoes. That is really the worst! They didn't bother my husband in the least, but he was always there to comfort me when the thunder and lightening began. Now I pace the floors in fear. I have family that will come over if they think I am really scared or if the storms get bad, but then I feel like such a big baby for asking them!

So many things to get used to that you would never even think about. Summer is quickly approaching and I find myself missing motorcycle riding and camping. Those were the two things my husband and I enjoyed the most. Motorcycles go by and I wish I was on one just racing down the highway!

One Year Later

I seemed to have left you all hanging as I sorted out this new, less than perfect life I am trying to lead. As it approached the one year anniversary of losing my husband, I found that I wasn't doing much of anything but dwelling in my loneliness and misery.

I have had many ups and downs since my last post. I have had good days and bad days. Some days I had the urge and desire to write and did so with a near obsession! Other days I don't even want to log in to any of the sites. So, yes, it is still very very hard.

The Downs

A little over a year ago, I was fighting to save my husband's life. Now ironically, I am fighting to save his dog's life that he left in my care. For the past 3 months she has been to the vet many times, twice for an extended stay. We do not know what is wrong with her. She has been tested for everything the vet can think of and the tests say she is healthy.

But she is not, and the hardest parts is that she is retaining an extreme amount of fluid that makes it hard for her to breath. The vet has her on lasix and has even "tapped" her belly to remove fluid, so that she can breath better. I know this procedure well, as it is exactly what my husband had to go through in his final days. I guess that is why it is so upsetting to me.

I promised him that I would take the best care of his dog that I could. I hope he knows I am trying. The vet has discussed possibly "putting her to sleep" but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. .. not without knowing exactly why this is happening to her, and that we can't fix her.

My car had some major problems and I had to figure out how to deal with that situation. My husband always took care of that and fixed them himself. He was a good mechanic and enjoyed doing it. I don't trust mechanic shops. Making the decision of where to take it, what to allow them to do, and settling on a price was a first for me. Thankfully a good friend worked in the parts department of the shop I took it to. He assured me that what they were doing was necessary.

The Ups

I mentioned that at times I wrote with a near obsession. I guess that paid off, because I did write and enter a short story into a contest. It actually placed and it will be sold as a digital download on the Twin Trinity Publishing site soon.

I wrote a poem and entered it to Accentuate Writing Services Anthology Contests. This poem was very near and dear to my heart. It will be published in an actual book sometime in 2012! These two accomplishments tell me I do have the talent to continue writing, I just sometimes lack the interest. But I am trying to overcome that.

One year later and I am still as lonely and grieving as when I started this blog. It is getting a little better though. I saw a post on Facebook that said, "You never stop feeling grief, it just erupts less often." That must be true, because I find I can go days without tears and then something will set me off, and I am crying and don't know why!

One year later and I am still wearing my wedding rings. It feels right to be wearing them, and so long as it does, I will continue to wear them. In fact, I still feel married even though all of those hateful boxes you have to check accuses me of being a widow.

So dear friends and readers, one year later, I am making the best of the situation I find myself
in. For those of you that are going through it too, I wish you the best. I know it is not easy. Just take things slowly, and rely on good friends and family.

I have met many good friends through the internet. They give me the virtual hug and hand holding I need when I am down. They give me the encouragement and pat on the back when I am up!

Thank you for being there, Dear Friends and Family

Magical Midnight Door

Many of us were waiting for 2009 to be over. 2009 was like an unwelcome guest for me. It had overstayed it's welcome and caused nothing but pain in my house. I waited for that magical midnight door to open last night, just to make sure 2009 was really going out it.

I guess I thought that midnight would be some kind of magical door into my future. 12:01 came and as I sat here on my computer chatting with friends, I realized that there was no magic. Yes, 2010 was here, but nothing had changed. Did I think a new year would suddenly take away the loneliness, pain and grief I feel? I don't know.

Christmas was hard, as you have noticed there were no posts. I made my way through it because I had no choice. Tears were shed, yet small memories from Christmas' past made me smile a bit. My husband was here, if not physically, for sure in my heart and mind. I told him Merry Christmas, and last night I told him happy New Year, because that is what I am used to doing.

I know that there is no magic of any kind to make any of us going through this miraculously feel better. It is a process that each of us must go through on our own. A friend and neighbor recently lost his wife. We talk sometimes. He is at the 5 month period, while I am at 8 months. he wanted to know how long it will take.

I quite honestly told him I didn't know. There is no magic number or door to go through. Each of us must cope in our own way. You just can't judge grief by months or even years, but you will notice little things, like being able to smile, even slightly, at a memory instead of crying.

The ringing in of the new year was not a magic door, but it does bring hope. Hope that we can continue to heal through the grieving process, no matter how long it has been, or how hard it seems to be. Our lives must go on, in some sense. My doctor even told me, "Your life is not over, it is just different."

At the time I wasn't really listening to her words. Now they come back to me. Yes different, is a good way to explain it. This new year also brings with it a step into the future. It wasn't the future I had planned, and it isn't the one I want, but it is there and it is up to me to make the best of it. There was no magical midnight door...so I will have to make my own door to step through...when I am ready.

That is really the best advice I can give myself, or any of you reading this. 2010 is a different year, just as we now have different lives. We go on in different ways, and that is okay. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be ready for this or that by now. There is no set time frame or rules to go by, except what your own heart and mind is feeling. Take a baby step into the new year and your new life...we'll walk or run when we are ready, just like a baby would do. maybe that is why they call it "Baby New Year"...

Touched By a Comment

I received a comment on this blog that really touched me. I haven't posted a lot since starting this blog. I don't really promote it and it hasn't gotten a lot of hits. I even began to wonder if there was any point in keeping it. It is sometimes painful for me to write, and was I really helping anyone? Then I got this comment...

I don't know how she found me, but she is suffering through the loss of a husband as well. As I read her lengthy comment, I connected to her and our pain seemed to blend. It was almost as if we were reaching out, giving each other a virtual hug. Her husband has been gone just about the same length of time. She is dreading the holidays as much as I am.

She told me that she read every word on this blog and it got her through a rough night. I am glad she found comfort in my words. That is exactly what My Widows Web was created for. By offering comfort, I have also received comfort. My pain, loneliness and grief doesn't seem so solitary. There are others out there hurting as badly as I am, and through this blog, at least 2 of us that are going through the same thing, have reached out and comforted each other.

To each of you who have read My Widows Web, I hope it has touched and comforted you in some way. Just knowing that you are reading, and that you offer me the gift of encouragement, friendship and a virtual hug is comforting to me. I don't feel quite so alone, knowing that you are out there reading my words. Some of you are finding comfort, while others are giving comfort to those of us that need it...bless you all!

Your comments mean a lot to me, no matter how these words touch you. It is like reaching out to a large, loving, virtual family. I know you guys are there when I need you, and I am here if you need me. The commenter and I are both dreading the holidays and the upcoming birthdays of both of our husbands. I know you all will help her and I get through this...

Our Humorous Camping Escapades
Camping is all about memories of good times. We sure have a lot of camping memories, rather they are good ones, or just plan humorous, I wouldn't trade them for anything!
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I Smiled Today!!!

Such a small thing...a smile, but there have been times lately when I wondered if I'd ever smile again - especially when I thought of my wonderful husband. It seemed like every memory would render me to tears. They were just to painful.

I got a comment on an older article I wrote at Associated Content. It was one about our humorous camping escapades. He and I loved camping. After his death, I sold the camper and his beloved golf cart. And I cried as I drove away from the camper that would know longer create memories for us. I cried as the golf cart we used at the campground left my garage on the back of a trailer, headed for its new home.

My heart broke as I pulled up that article about our camping experiences. Could I read it without bursting into tears? You know, I read ever word and at the end I felt a slight smile tugging at both my face and my heart. Yes it hurts to know we'll never add to those memories, but I have many great memories I will forever hold dear in my heart, and for that, I do have a reason to smile. Thanks for the memories, Baby, I'll cherish them always...