My Widows Web

Losing a Soul Mate Hurts…License or Not

2011-11-27T15:11:00.000-08:00

Karen and I have never met in person, yet we have a very strong bond between us. Though we have been “cyber” friends for a long time, we now “get” each other even more and spend countless hours talking about our feelings. Unfortunately, the thing we have in common is that Karen recently lost the love of her life just like I did back in 2009.

Karen and John’s tale is a magical love story that many of us were privileged to watch develop on line. John’s death was sudden and left Karen alone and devastated. I get that feeling….it’s still there after more than two years of living alone in a world I never wanted. Karen and John never got the chance to marry, though I am sure that would have been in their plans, yet her grief is every bit as strong as mine is.

The thing is, a soul mate is a soul mate and a marriage license does not dictate the level of pain a person goes through when they lose someone that they loved with all of their heart. Marriage license or not, we both hurt the same, shed the same storm of tears, feel the same loneliness and grief.

I got to thinking about all of this, and the use of the term Widow. It doesn’t necessarily mean someone who was married and lost her mate. Karen feels as much a widow now as I do. I called this blog “My Widow’s Web” not because of the term, but much because of the way I felt.

Losing someone you love, is like running into a spider web. You know that panicked, creepy feeling, where you swing your arms and want to get away, but it seems like every direction you turn that web is still there, seeming to cut off your sanity and any rational thought you could possibly muster? I feel like I have been walking around in a web these past two years. The small little threads cling to me, even though others might not be able to see them.

I encouraged Karen, who is also a writer, to start a blog of her own to express her feelings. The grief of losing a soul mate is not something we wanted to have in common, but it is something we can help each other through. If you need us, we will help you, console you or just listen to you. You can even help us, as Karen starts her Journey Through the Darkness and I continue to fight my way out of My Widows Web.

A marriage license doesn’t dictate how much you love someone or how much it hurts to lose them….we all hurt, grieve, cry and feel totally lost…it’s a journey none of us wanted, but hopefully together, we can continue to put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, I’ll hold you up and sometimes you may have to hold me up….we can do this, one step at a time.

Year Two of My Journey

2011-05-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

I find it hard to believe that it has been 2 years now that have been a widow. The past year has seen many ups and downs for me. Is life getting any better? Sometimes I think it is and at other times I think I am just adapting as best as I can. I still miss my husband and I suppose always will.

I do try to venture out of the house more than I did the first year. It still feels very odd to attend family functions by myself, but I am managing and most times I enjoy them. It's the times when I come home or everyone leaves my home, that I am hit with the intense loneliness.

The Midwest has been slammed with severe storms this spring. I am terrified of storms and especially tornadoes. That is really the worst! They didn't bother my husband in the least, but he was always there to comfort me when the thunder and lightening began. Now I pace the floors in fear. I have family that will come over if they think I am really scared or if the storms get bad, but then I feel like such a big baby for asking them!

So many things to get used to that you would never even think about. Summer is quickly approaching and I find myself missing motorcycle riding and camping. Those were the two things my husband and I enjoyed the most. Motorcycles go by and I wish I was on one just racing down the highway!

One Year Later

2010-05-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

I seemed to have left you all hanging as I sorted out this new, less than perfect life I am trying to lead. As it approached the one year anniversary of losing my husband, I found that I wasn't doing much of anything but dwelling in my loneliness and misery.

I have had many ups and downs since my last post. I have had good days and bad days. Some days I had the urge and desire to write and did so with a near obsession! Other days I don't even want to log in to any of the sites. So, yes, it is still very very hard.

The Downs

A little over a year ago, I was fighting to save my husband's life. Now ironically, I am fighting to save his dog's life that he left in my care. For the past 3 months she has been to the vet many times, twice for an extended stay. We do not know what is wrong with her. She has been tested for everything the vet can think of and the tests say she is healthy.

But she is not, and the hardest parts is that she is retaining an extreme amount of fluid that makes it hard for her to breath. The vet has her on lasix and has even "tapped" her belly to remove fluid, so that she can breath better. I know this procedure well, as it is exactly what my husband had to go through in his final days. I guess that is why it is so upsetting to me.

I promised him that I would take the best care of his dog that I could. I hope he knows I am trying. The vet has discussed possibly "putting her to sleep" but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. .. not without knowing exactly why this is happening to her, and that we can't fix her.

My car had some major problems and I had to figure out how to deal with that situation. My husband always took care of that and fixed them himself. He was a good mechanic and enjoyed doing it. I don't trust mechanic shops. Making the decision of where to take it, what to allow them to do, and settling on a price was a first for me. Thankfully a good friend worked in the parts department of the shop I took it to. He assured me that what they were doing was necessary.

The Ups

I mentioned that at times I wrote with a near obsession. I guess that paid off, because I did write and enter a short story into a contest. It actually placed and it will be sold as a digital download on the Twin Trinity Publishing site soon.

I wrote a poem and entered it to Accentuate Writing Services Anthology Contests. This poem was very near and dear to my heart. It will be published in an actual book sometime in 2012! These two accomplishments tell me I do have the talent to continue writing, I just sometimes lack the interest. But I am trying to overcome that.

One year later and I am still as lonely and grieving as when I started this blog. It is getting a little better though. I saw a post on Facebook that said, "You never stop feeling grief, it just erupts less often." That must be true, because I find I can go days without tears and then something will set me off, and I am crying and don't know why!

One year later and I am still wearing my wedding rings. It feels right to be wearing them, and so long as it does, I will continue to wear them. In fact, I still feel married even though all of those hateful boxes you have to check accuses me of being a widow.

So dear friends and readers, one year later, I am making the best of the situation I find myself
in. For those of you that are going through it too, I wish you the best. I know it is not easy. Just take things slowly, and rely on good friends and family.

I have met many good friends through the internet. They give me the virtual hug and hand holding I need when I am down. They give me the encouragement and pat on the back when I am up!

Thank you for being there, Dear Friends and Family

Magical Midnight Door

2010-01-01T10:27:00.000-08:00

Many of us were waiting for 2009 to be over. 2009 was like an unwelcome guest for me. It had overstayed it's welcome and caused nothing but pain in my house. I waited for that magical midnight door to open last night, just to make sure 2009 was really going out it.

I guess I thought that midnight would be some kind of magical door into my future. 12:01 came and as I sat here on my computer chatting with friends, I realized that there was no magic. Yes, 2010 was here, but nothing had changed. Did I think a new year would suddenly take away the loneliness, pain and grief I feel? I don't know.

Christmas was hard, as you have noticed there were no posts. I made my way through it because I had no choice. Tears were shed, yet small memories from Christmas' past made me smile a bit. My husband was here, if not physically, for sure in my heart and mind. I told him Merry Christmas, and last night I told him happy New Year, because that is what I am used to doing.

I know that there is no magic of any kind to make any of us going through this miraculously feel better. It is a process that each of us must go through on our own. A friend and neighbor recently lost his wife. We talk sometimes. He is at the 5 month period, while I am at 8 months. he wanted to know how long it will take.

I quite honestly told him I didn't know. There is no magic number or door to go through. Each of us must cope in our own way. You just can't judge grief by months or even years, but you will notice little things, like being able to smile, even slightly, at a memory instead of crying.

The ringing in of the new year was not a magic door, but it does bring hope. Hope that we can continue to heal through the grieving process, no matter how long it has been, or how hard it seems to be. Our lives must go on, in some sense. My doctor even told me, "Your life is not over, it is just different."

At the time I wasn't really listening to her words. Now they come back to me. Yes different, is a good way to explain it. This new year also brings with it a step into the future. It wasn't the future I had planned, and it isn't the one I want, but it is there and it is up to me to make the best of it. There was no magical midnight door...so I will have to make my own door to step through...when I am ready.

That is really the best advice I can give myself, or any of you reading this. 2010 is a different year, just as we now have different lives. We go on in different ways, and that is okay. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be ready for this or that by now. There is no set time frame or rules to go by, except what your own heart and mind is feeling. Take a baby step into the new year and your new life...we'll walk or run when we are ready, just like a baby would do. maybe that is why they call it "Baby New Year"...

Touched By a Comment

2009-12-14T09:56:00.000-08:00

I received a comment on this blog that really touched me. I haven't posted a lot since starting this blog. I don't really promote it and it hasn't gotten a lot of hits. I even began to wonder if there was any point in keeping it. It is sometimes painful for me to write, and was I really helping anyone? Then I got this comment...

I don't know how she found me, but she is suffering through the loss of a husband as well. As I read her lengthy comment, I connected to her and our pain seemed to blend. It was almost as if we were reaching out, giving each other a virtual hug. Her husband has been gone just about the same length of time. She is dreading the holidays as much as I am.

She told me that she read every word on this blog and it got her through a rough night. I am glad she found comfort in my words. That is exactly what My Widows Web was created for. By offering comfort, I have also received comfort. My pain, loneliness and grief doesn't seem so solitary. There are others out there hurting as badly as I am, and through this blog, at least 2 of us that are going through the same thing, have reached out and comforted each other.

To each of you who have read My Widows Web, I hope it has touched and comforted you in some way. Just knowing that you are reading, and that you offer me the gift of encouragement, friendship and a virtual hug is comforting to me. I don't feel quite so alone, knowing that you are out there reading my words. Some of you are finding comfort, while others are giving comfort to those of us that need it...bless you all!

Your comments mean a lot to me, no matter how these words touch you. It is like reaching out to a large, loving, virtual family. I know you guys are there when I need you, and I am here if you need me. The commenter and I are both dreading the holidays and the upcoming birthdays of both of our husbands. I know you all will help her and I get through this...

2009-12-11T15:31:00.001-08:00

Our Humorous Camping Escapades
Camping is all about memories of good times. We sure have a lot of camping memories, rather they are good ones, or just plan humorous, I wouldn't trade them for anything!
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I Smiled Today!!!

2009-12-11T15:09:00.000-08:00

Such a small thing...a smile, but there have been times lately when I wondered if I'd ever smile again - especially when I thought of my wonderful husband. It seemed like every memory would render me to tears. They were just to painful.

I got a comment on an older article I wrote at Associated Content. It was one about our humorous camping escapades. He and I loved camping. After his death, I sold the camper and his beloved golf cart. And I cried as I drove away from the camper that would know longer create memories for us. I cried as the golf cart we used at the campground left my garage on the back of a trailer, headed for its new home.

My heart broke as I pulled up that article about our camping experiences. Could I read it without bursting into tears? You know, I read ever word and at the end I felt a slight smile tugging at both my face and my heart. Yes it hurts to know we'll never add to those memories, but I have many great memories I will forever hold dear in my heart, and for that, I do have a reason to smile. Thanks for the memories, Baby, I'll cherish them always...

The "Silent Killer"

2009-11-24T09:40:00.000-08:00

While doing some research recently, I discovered that there is a Bill in the House Committee concerning Pancreatic cancer. It was presented in January of 2009. I never knew pancreatic cancer was so deadly until my family had to live through it.

My husband was a healthy man and never complained about anything. Oh he had minor colds, flu and even a couple hernia surgeries due to his job, but other than that, nothing. We never knew that pancreatic cancer was sneaking up and about to take him away from us.

Our Oncologist called it a "Silent Killer" and indeed he is right. He explained that by the time any symptoms present themselves it is because the cancer has spread and is causing problems somewhere else in the body. My husband had his first test to determine what was causing some minor pain. We expected to be told he had another hernia.

The diagnoses of pancreatic cancer tore our world apart. Still, we were sure some surgery and a few weeks recovery time would get him back to normal and back to work. That first test was February 23 and by April 23 he was gone. A "Silent Killer" indeed, because up until the first week of March, he was going to work everyday and looking forward to a long life with his family.

Once the cancer reared it's ugly head, it showed us just how fast it can take a loved one from you. March and April were spent mostly in Hospitals...not that they could do much but to control the pain. In the end, we tried to have him at home with us, as per his wishes, yet the pain was so unbearable we could not control it.

Pancreatic cancer is such an awful disease to suffer through, yet very little is known about it. There are no early detection tests, and the death rate is astronomical. In fact, it is so bad there needed to be a bill introduced asking for more education and awareness and funds to fight this particular type of cancer.

The mortality rate is set at 5 years, yet most don't make it to 1 year. Some only manage a few months after diagnoses. I certainly know these statistics are true. Pancreatic Cancer research is far behind its time. As a matter of fact, pancreatic cancer research is about where Breast Cancer research was in the 1930's.

Read HR 745 for yourself. My article about it is on the side bar. The statistics will overwhelm you. None of this awareness will help my husband, or my family, but it may help someone else in the future. This "Silent Killer" has got to be stopped, or at least slowed down!

In Loving Memory

2009-10-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

October has been a really tough month for me. My last post was on the 3rd and I haven't been able to bring myself to write much since then. We were married on October 6th, 1972 and this is the first year I dreaded that date rolling around. October 23 also marked the 6 month anniversary of my husband's death. So no, I did not like October very much.

It was a hard month to cope with, yet I know it is the first of many milestones I will have to face as I continue on this journey of learning to be alone. I have spoken to several women in my position and they all say it is a series of ups and downs. You may think you are getting on fine and the next thing you know, something triggers the intense grief all over again.

After 6 months of "ups and downs...mostly downs" I can attest that this is true. Certain songs will trigger the emotions, certain shows that you have watched together and sometimes it will be just a memory that will pop into your head. They tell me it will all get easier to bare, but at times I sure don't feel like it will.

I did accomplish something to honor my husband that seemed to help me. We have built a beautiful memorial garden in my back yard. You see, my husband's wish was to be cremated and I carried those wishes out. So there is no cemetery to visit as he is eternally sealed in a beautiful mantel clock urn. The urn sits on his dresser in our bedroom, as per both of our wishes.

That is why I built the memorial garden...so we can have somewhere to visit, reflect and place memorial flowers. On the day of our anniversary I added a beautiful water fountain to the garden. water cascades down the top of a tall column and there is a flame burning on the top. It is called the Serenity fountain. I found that to be very fitting. He would have loved that fountain.

It will soon be to cold to sit outside and watch that water cascade from the ever glowing flame, but the garden is positioned right outside my office window, where I spend countless hours writing. It makes me feel better.

My rambling point here is to do whatever you need to do to make you feel a little peace and comfort. The garden was my way of feeling closer to him and somehow comforted. I tend the garden and keep it weed free. While I do that I talk to him. I believe he is listening.

We all will grieve in many different ways. My comfort is in keeping all of his things close to me. Some feel the need to remove the clothing and personal items of loved ones. Whatever feels right to you is the right thing to do. Just like I mentioned in my earlier post about the wedding rings. It is my intention to keep them on, you may feel different and that is okay.

I write this in loving memory of my husband who I desperately miss. October was hard, Honey, but I made it. I know you are watching and saying, "I knew you could." I love you...

With This Ring...

2009-10-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

You know the rest of the line. I have been thinking alot about those lines lately as I look at the wedding rings on my hand. The vows say "Until death do us part." I got news for who ever wrote those words...they ain't true.

This may come off like a rant, so bear with me. I still feel married! It is a horrifying thought to even contemplate taking off my wedding rings. Do other widows wonder about this? Are we supposed to take off the rings? The answer, I believe, is to do what ever feels right for you.

My wedding rings have been with me so long they are like a part of me. My husband's wedding band resides on my index finger just across from my own. he put it there "for safe keeping" just before he went in for a surgical procedure. It has been there ever since. Remove it? Not on your life!

For me, they are a comfort. Others may view them differently, so I say, "to each their own." If you want to leave your rings on for now, for a few months, or for the rest of your life, that is your decision and your's alone. No one can tell you what is "right or proper" on this situation, because it is different for everyone.

If and when the rings come off, it will be when I am ready, or if I ever am. If you have looked at your rings and wondered what is the right thing to do about them, leave them right where they are. If you have to ask,"Should they come off" then you aren't ready to answer that question just yet.

Things have to come in our own way, when we are ready. For me, I am not ready, nor do I think I will be for a very long time. For others, it may be different. The point is, it is each individual's decision to make. There is no politically correct length of time to leave your wedding rings on, and even if there was, who cares?

The word "Widow" is just a label. It is how each person feels inside that counts. My heart and soul still feels married, even though I must use the word widow now when I fill out paperwork. Those of you who now have to check that hateful little box know what I mean. Widow...I detest that word, I'd rather stick with "With this ring..."

Some Articles That May Help

2009-09-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

In my first post I stated that I had turned to writing as a sort of solace after my husband died. Continuing to do something you are good at and that you enjoy is actually good therapy. if it is also something your husband was extremely proud of, it will make you feel even better to continue it.

In fact, I still speak to my husband about what I am writing. (It really is okay if you talk to them.) The articles I wrote for Associated Content deal a lot with the illness and different ways I handled things. Were they hard to write? You bet! Tears streamed the entire time I typed, yet the articles somehow made me feel better.

My husband was all about helping whoever he could, and I know he would have wanted me to use my words and experience to help someone else. I had no one with experience to help me figure out how to tackle many of the issues I faced as a new Widow. That is why I decided to write about it.

I am just learning this blogging and linking, so bear with me as I try to figure out how to put in some smooth links for some of the articles that might be helpful to you.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2203889/things_every_new_widow_should_know.html?cat=7

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1982952/are_there_defined_stages_of_grief.html?cat=5

I realize that these are pitiful attempts at links, but I hope you can get there from these, as I believe these articles may help out a bit.

As I continue my journey through this new life, I will update you on my progress, and even my set backs. I hope you do the same by leaving comments or questions. Let's help each other...

Donna Thacker

My Journey, My New Life

2009-09-27T19:01:00.000-07:00

Suddenly finding yourself a new widow is a devastating thing. You go through so many emotions you aren't sure what you feel. You feel lost, alone, afraid, angry, hurt...all of this rolled into one. You don't lnow where to turn, you don't know how to go on with life, such as it is.

I know, because I am a new widow. It has been 5 months since I lost my husband and the pain is still as great as the first day. I felt like I had no where to turn either, so I turned to the only thing I know...writing. He was very proud of my articles, and read everything I wrote.

I have recently been working on articles about medical issues and some of the things I have had to deal with as this new "widow." I write these things as a way to feel close to my husband, and as a way to help others that are going through this turmoil.

My hope, by starting this blog, is that other widows will find me and that we can perhaps help each other as we journey forth into this new life we neither asked for nor wanted. It doesn't matter if you are a new widow, or it has been years, the pain and loneliness are still heavy on your heart.

The process is overwhelming and you just can't do it alone. Perhaps we can all help each other and make it just a little easier, as our journey continues through life.