Widow to Widow

I happened across a Widow’s group on Facebook one night. I was feeling especially lonely and figured I’d check them out. It’s one of the best things I have ever done, because nobody understands exactly how you feel when you lose a loved one like someone who has been through it.

This group is in various stages of dealing with their grief. Some have not been widows for very long…some have been widows for years, much like me. Belonging to a group like this on the internet means that there is someone always there to talk to, no matter what time of the day or night you feel the need to log on.

In this group, you can express your sadness, your anger, your frustration or whatever else you need to say without being judged. No one tells you to “just deal with it” because they understand.

It’s not a “pity party” group. We help each other with things that are new to us. Out of all the members, usually someone has dealt with one circumstance or another and can give advice. We even tell each other how to make household or automotive repairs!

Widows often feel like they are alone and struggling. Joining a group of other widows helps us to feel…well, not so alone. We can ask questions about all the many things a widow faces as she makes this new lonely walk. Trust me, it helps.

If you are a new widow, or even a long time widow, I would recommend joining a group on Facebook. You may even find another widow that lives close enough so that the two of you (or three or four) can get together for lunch, dinner or any other kind of outing you all enjoy.

We even call it a “Sisterhood” of sorts and we all understand that none of us really want to be a part of a Widow’s group, but it’s the hand we have been dealt. Trust me, the women in my group are pretty awesome and we sure have gotten each other over some tough hurdles.

The admin is pretty strict about who she lets in, as we all know that widows get preyed on by some unscrupulous folks, so you can feel pretty safe, in my group at least. If you are a Widow and are interested in the group I am in, find me on Facebook and let me know and I will pass your info along to the admin of the group.

 My Facebook page.

Nearly Five Years After...

I haven't been here much and I don't know if anyone will be around to read this or not, but an on-line friend recently found the link to this blog on my Facebook page and sent me a nice message thanking me for saying the words others that have been through it felt.

It's amazing that a neglected blog can still reach out there and touch someone, so I felt the Widow's Web page deserved an update, as it appears it has been over a year since my last post. Has life gotten grand for me? No, I wouldn't exactly say that, but I have learned to cope and adapt much better.

It is coming up to the 5 year mark of losing my husband, and if you have been there, near there or beyond, you know there are still days when it is hard. You will still get overwhelmed with lonliness and miss your loved one so much it hurts. Time may heal, but the hurt never really goes away, you just sort of get used to it and adapt your life around it.

The one thing that time does help, is the ability to talk about your spouse with out totally losing it. In the beginning memories of my husband would have me in tears within seconds. Now I am able to talk about those memories and it is a sad happiness that envelopes me. Sad because he is no longer here to create anymore memories, yet happy to have the ones I do have to hold onto and share.

Incase you are wondering, I am still alone. I haven't had much interest in the dating scene. Actually, from a few things I hear, maybe that's a good thing! It is scary for anyone to put themself out there and meet someone knew that may or may not work out. I think I am more afraid of all that drama than I am of being alone!

I still do some writing and I have gotten back into sewing and crocheting more so I have plenty to do, plus I have my two little Shih tzu to keep me company. We have established quite  routine, just the 3 of us. They tell me when it is bedtime every night and follow me around the house like my very own pint sized protectors. Who could ask for more?

I hope you will follow me round the web as I attempt to revive these long neglected blogs! Who knows, you might read something of interest that will help you out, or atleast give you a laugh as me and my silly furbabies try to figure out this crazy life we are attempting to live!

Another Year, Another Post

I get to the point that I neglect this blog, thinking I'm not sure that I have anymore left to say. It turns out that I was wrong. You see, a writer friend was developing a new website and she sent out a call that she was interested in guest posters. I am always game for new writing gigs so I went to the site and looked around.

The site is called Everyday Women and what I saw impressed me. She covers a lot of subjects that are of great value to women. Things like diet, excersice, beauty, dating etc were all there. What I didn't see was right up my alley to write about - being a widow.

I emailed my friend, told her my idea and she quickly responded that she thought it was a great idea. We worked out all of the boring business details and I sat down to write my first post. Turns out that the words poured out of me with a great ease!

I sent it to her for consideration. She loved every  word of it, and the column on the site was born. She aptly named the section Widow's Walk and it is all mine, to write things that widows may be feeling, or needing to know.

I was amazed that it had went so well. I thought I was all talked out on the subject, but writing for Everyday Women brought back the desire to reach out to you all again and see how you are doing.

Since my arrangement with Everyday Women is only for two posts a month right now, I came back to this blog, where I can write my heart out, whenever I want to. I am coming up to the four year mark now and it hasn't been easy. I find that when a friend loses a loved one, I feel it all over again.

I also realise that I am a bit of a comfort to them to talk to because I have been through it. A new widow will reach out to an "old" one, because there is hope that if one survived, then surely the other can...

Check out Everyday Women by clicking on the link above and have a look around. Don't forget to peep into my column while you are there. Let us know what you think about the over all site and about my column. I think they are both fantastic, don't you?

See you guys again real soon...I promise!

Losing a Soul Mate Hurts…License or Not

Karen and I have never met in person, yet we have a very strong bond between us. Though we have been “cyber” friends for a long time, we now “get” each other even more and spend countless hours talking about our feelings. Unfortunately, the thing we have in common is that Karen recently lost the love of her life just like I did back in 2009.

Karen and John’s tale is a magical love story that many of us were privileged to watch develop on line. John’s death was sudden and left Karen alone and devastated. I get that feeling….it’s still there after more than two years of living alone in a world I never wanted. Karen and John never got the chance to marry, though I am sure that would have been in their plans, yet her grief is every bit as strong as mine is.

The thing is, a soul mate is a soul mate and a marriage license does not dictate the level of pain a person goes through when they lose someone that they loved with all of their heart. Marriage license or not, we both hurt the same, shed the same storm of tears, feel the same loneliness and grief.

I got to thinking about all of this, and the use of the term Widow. It doesn’t necessarily mean someone who was married and lost her mate. Karen feels as much a widow now as I do. I called this blog “My Widow’s Web” not because of the term, but much because of the way I felt.

Losing someone you love, is like running into a spider web. You know that panicked, creepy feeling, where you swing your arms and want to get away, but it seems like every direction you turn that web is still there, seeming to cut off your sanity and any rational thought you could possibly muster? I feel like I have been walking around in a web these past two years. The small little threads cling to me, even though others might not be able to see them.

I encouraged Karen, who is also a writer, to start a blog of her own to express her feelings. The grief of losing a soul mate is not something we wanted to have in common, but it is something we can help each other through. If you need us, we will help you, console you or just listen to you. You can even help us, as Karen starts her Journey Through the Darkness and I continue to fight my way out of My Widows Web.

A marriage license doesn’t dictate how much you love someone or how much it hurts to lose them….we all hurt, grieve, cry and feel totally lost…it’s a journey none of us wanted, but hopefully together, we can continue to put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, I’ll hold you up and sometimes you may have to hold me up….we can do this, one step at a time.

Year Two of My Journey

I find it hard to believe that it has been 2 years now that have been a widow. The past year has seen many ups and downs for me. Is life getting any better? Sometimes I think it is and at other times I think I am just adapting as best as I can. I still miss my husband and I suppose always will.

I do try to venture out of the house more than I did the first year. It still feels very odd to attend family functions by myself, but I am managing and most times I enjoy them. It's the times when I come home or everyone leaves my home, that I am hit with the intense loneliness.

The Midwest has been slammed with severe storms this spring. I am terrified of storms and especially tornadoes. That is really the worst! They didn't bother my husband in the least, but he was always there to comfort me when the thunder and lightening began. Now I pace the floors in fear. I have family that will come over if they think I am really scared or if the storms get bad, but then I feel like such a big baby for asking them!

So many things to get used to that you would never even think about. Summer is quickly approaching and I find myself missing motorcycle riding and camping. Those were the two things my husband and I enjoyed the most. Motorcycles go by and I wish I was on one just racing down the highway!

One Year Later

I seemed to have left you all hanging as I sorted out this new, less than perfect life I am trying to lead. As it approached the one year anniversary of losing my husband, I found that I wasn't doing much of anything but dwelling in my loneliness and misery.

I have had many ups and downs since my last post. I have had good days and bad days. Some days I had the urge and desire to write and did so with a near obsession! Other days I don't even want to log in to any of the sites. So, yes, it is still very very hard.

The Downs

A little over a year ago, I was fighting to save my husband's life. Now ironically, I am fighting to save his dog's life that he left in my care. For the past 3 months she has been to the vet many times, twice for an extended stay. We do not know what is wrong with her. She has been tested for everything the vet can think of and the tests say she is healthy.

But she is not, and the hardest parts is that she is retaining an extreme amount of fluid that makes it hard for her to breath. The vet has her on lasix and has even "tapped" her belly to remove fluid, so that she can breath better. I know this procedure well, as it is exactly what my husband had to go through in his final days. I guess that is why it is so upsetting to me.

I promised him that I would take the best care of his dog that I could. I hope he knows I am trying. The vet has discussed possibly "putting her to sleep" but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. .. not without knowing exactly why this is happening to her, and that we can't fix her.

My car had some major problems and I had to figure out how to deal with that situation. My husband always took care of that and fixed them himself. He was a good mechanic and enjoyed doing it. I don't trust mechanic shops. Making the decision of where to take it, what to allow them to do, and settling on a price was a first for me. Thankfully a good friend worked in the parts department of the shop I took it to. He assured me that what they were doing was necessary.

The Ups

I mentioned that at times I wrote with a near obsession. I guess that paid off, because I did write and enter a short story into a contest. It actually placed and it will be sold as a digital download on the Twin Trinity Publishing site soon.

I wrote a poem and entered it to Accentuate Writing Services Anthology Contests. This poem was very near and dear to my heart. It will be published in an actual book sometime in 2012! These two accomplishments tell me I do have the talent to continue writing, I just sometimes lack the interest. But I am trying to overcome that.

One year later and I am still as lonely and grieving as when I started this blog. It is getting a little better though. I saw a post on Facebook that said, "You never stop feeling grief, it just erupts less often." That must be true, because I find I can go days without tears and then something will set me off, and I am crying and don't know why!

One year later and I am still wearing my wedding rings. It feels right to be wearing them, and so long as it does, I will continue to wear them. In fact, I still feel married even though all of those hateful boxes you have to check accuses me of being a widow.

So dear friends and readers, one year later, I am making the best of the situation I find myself
in. For those of you that are going through it too, I wish you the best. I know it is not easy. Just take things slowly, and rely on good friends and family.

I have met many good friends through the internet. They give me the virtual hug and hand holding I need when I am down. They give me the encouragement and pat on the back when I am up!

Thank you for being there, Dear Friends and Family

Magical Midnight Door

Many of us were waiting for 2009 to be over. 2009 was like an unwelcome guest for me. It had overstayed it's welcome and caused nothing but pain in my house. I waited for that magical midnight door to open last night, just to make sure 2009 was really going out it.

I guess I thought that midnight would be some kind of magical door into my future. 12:01 came and as I sat here on my computer chatting with friends, I realized that there was no magic. Yes, 2010 was here, but nothing had changed. Did I think a new year would suddenly take away the loneliness, pain and grief I feel? I don't know.

Christmas was hard, as you have noticed there were no posts. I made my way through it because I had no choice. Tears were shed, yet small memories from Christmas' past made me smile a bit. My husband was here, if not physically, for sure in my heart and mind. I told him Merry Christmas, and last night I told him happy New Year, because that is what I am used to doing.

I know that there is no magic of any kind to make any of us going through this miraculously feel better. It is a process that each of us must go through on our own. A friend and neighbor recently lost his wife. We talk sometimes. He is at the 5 month period, while I am at 8 months. he wanted to know how long it will take.

I quite honestly told him I didn't know. There is no magic number or door to go through. Each of us must cope in our own way. You just can't judge grief by months or even years, but you will notice little things, like being able to smile, even slightly, at a memory instead of crying.

The ringing in of the new year was not a magic door, but it does bring hope. Hope that we can continue to heal through the grieving process, no matter how long it has been, or how hard it seems to be. Our lives must go on, in some sense. My doctor even told me, "Your life is not over, it is just different."

At the time I wasn't really listening to her words. Now they come back to me. Yes different, is a good way to explain it. This new year also brings with it a step into the future. It wasn't the future I had planned, and it isn't the one I want, but it is there and it is up to me to make the best of it. There was no magical midnight door...so I will have to make my own door to step through...when I am ready.

That is really the best advice I can give myself, or any of you reading this. 2010 is a different year, just as we now have different lives. We go on in different ways, and that is okay. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be ready for this or that by now. There is no set time frame or rules to go by, except what your own heart and mind is feeling. Take a baby step into the new year and your new life...we'll walk or run when we are ready, just like a baby would do. maybe that is why they call it "Baby New Year"...