One Year Later

I seemed to have left you all hanging as I sorted out this new, less than perfect life I am trying to lead. As it approached the one year anniversary of losing my husband, I found that I wasn't doing much of anything but dwelling in my loneliness and misery.

I have had many ups and downs since my last post. I have had good days and bad days. Some days I had the urge and desire to write and did so with a near obsession! Other days I don't even want to log in to any of the sites. So, yes, it is still very very hard.

The Downs

A little over a year ago, I was fighting to save my husband's life. Now ironically, I am fighting to save his dog's life that he left in my care. For the past 3 months she has been to the vet many times, twice for an extended stay. We do not know what is wrong with her. She has been tested for everything the vet can think of and the tests say she is healthy.

But she is not, and the hardest parts is that she is retaining an extreme amount of fluid that makes it hard for her to breath. The vet has her on lasix and has even "tapped" her belly to remove fluid, so that she can breath better. I know this procedure well, as it is exactly what my husband had to go through in his final days. I guess that is why it is so upsetting to me.

I promised him that I would take the best care of his dog that I could. I hope he knows I am trying. The vet has discussed possibly "putting her to sleep" but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. .. not without knowing exactly why this is happening to her, and that we can't fix her.

My car had some major problems and I had to figure out how to deal with that situation. My husband always took care of that and fixed them himself. He was a good mechanic and enjoyed doing it. I don't trust mechanic shops. Making the decision of where to take it, what to allow them to do, and settling on a price was a first for me. Thankfully a good friend worked in the parts department of the shop I took it to. He assured me that what they were doing was necessary.

The Ups

I mentioned that at times I wrote with a near obsession. I guess that paid off, because I did write and enter a short story into a contest. It actually placed and it will be sold as a digital download on the Twin Trinity Publishing site soon.

I wrote a poem and entered it to Accentuate Writing Services Anthology Contests. This poem was very near and dear to my heart. It will be published in an actual book sometime in 2012! These two accomplishments tell me I do have the talent to continue writing, I just sometimes lack the interest. But I am trying to overcome that.

One year later and I am still as lonely and grieving as when I started this blog. It is getting a little better though. I saw a post on Facebook that said, "You never stop feeling grief, it just erupts less often." That must be true, because I find I can go days without tears and then something will set me off, and I am crying and don't know why!

One year later and I am still wearing my wedding rings. It feels right to be wearing them, and so long as it does, I will continue to wear them. In fact, I still feel married even though all of those hateful boxes you have to check accuses me of being a widow.

So dear friends and readers, one year later, I am making the best of the situation I find myself
in. For those of you that are going through it too, I wish you the best. I know it is not easy. Just take things slowly, and rely on good friends and family.

I have met many good friends through the internet. They give me the virtual hug and hand holding I need when I am down. They give me the encouragement and pat on the back when I am up!

Thank you for being there, Dear Friends and Family

Magical Midnight Door

Many of us were waiting for 2009 to be over. 2009 was like an unwelcome guest for me. It had overstayed it's welcome and caused nothing but pain in my house. I waited for that magical midnight door to open last night, just to make sure 2009 was really going out it.

I guess I thought that midnight would be some kind of magical door into my future. 12:01 came and as I sat here on my computer chatting with friends, I realized that there was no magic. Yes, 2010 was here, but nothing had changed. Did I think a new year would suddenly take away the loneliness, pain and grief I feel? I don't know.

Christmas was hard, as you have noticed there were no posts. I made my way through it because I had no choice. Tears were shed, yet small memories from Christmas' past made me smile a bit. My husband was here, if not physically, for sure in my heart and mind. I told him Merry Christmas, and last night I told him happy New Year, because that is what I am used to doing.

I know that there is no magic of any kind to make any of us going through this miraculously feel better. It is a process that each of us must go through on our own. A friend and neighbor recently lost his wife. We talk sometimes. He is at the 5 month period, while I am at 8 months. he wanted to know how long it will take.

I quite honestly told him I didn't know. There is no magic number or door to go through. Each of us must cope in our own way. You just can't judge grief by months or even years, but you will notice little things, like being able to smile, even slightly, at a memory instead of crying.

The ringing in of the new year was not a magic door, but it does bring hope. Hope that we can continue to heal through the grieving process, no matter how long it has been, or how hard it seems to be. Our lives must go on, in some sense. My doctor even told me, "Your life is not over, it is just different."

At the time I wasn't really listening to her words. Now they come back to me. Yes different, is a good way to explain it. This new year also brings with it a step into the future. It wasn't the future I had planned, and it isn't the one I want, but it is there and it is up to me to make the best of it. There was no magical midnight door...so I will have to make my own door to step through...when I am ready.

That is really the best advice I can give myself, or any of you reading this. 2010 is a different year, just as we now have different lives. We go on in different ways, and that is okay. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be ready for this or that by now. There is no set time frame or rules to go by, except what your own heart and mind is feeling. Take a baby step into the new year and your new life...we'll walk or run when we are ready, just like a baby would do. maybe that is why they call it "Baby New Year"...

Touched By a Comment

I received a comment on this blog that really touched me. I haven't posted a lot since starting this blog. I don't really promote it and it hasn't gotten a lot of hits. I even began to wonder if there was any point in keeping it. It is sometimes painful for me to write, and was I really helping anyone? Then I got this comment...

I don't know how she found me, but she is suffering through the loss of a husband as well. As I read her lengthy comment, I connected to her and our pain seemed to blend. It was almost as if we were reaching out, giving each other a virtual hug. Her husband has been gone just about the same length of time. She is dreading the holidays as much as I am.

She told me that she read every word on this blog and it got her through a rough night. I am glad she found comfort in my words. That is exactly what My Widows Web was created for. By offering comfort, I have also received comfort. My pain, loneliness and grief doesn't seem so solitary. There are others out there hurting as badly as I am, and through this blog, at least 2 of us that are going through the same thing, have reached out and comforted each other.

To each of you who have read My Widows Web, I hope it has touched and comforted you in some way. Just knowing that you are reading, and that you offer me the gift of encouragement, friendship and a virtual hug is comforting to me. I don't feel quite so alone, knowing that you are out there reading my words. Some of you are finding comfort, while others are giving comfort to those of us that need it...bless you all!

Your comments mean a lot to me, no matter how these words touch you. It is like reaching out to a large, loving, virtual family. I know you guys are there when I need you, and I am here if you need me. The commenter and I are both dreading the holidays and the upcoming birthdays of both of our husbands. I know you all will help her and I get through this...

Our Humorous Camping Escapades
Camping is all about memories of good times. We sure have a lot of camping memories, rather they are good ones, or just plan humorous, I wouldn't trade them for anything!
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I Smiled Today!!!

Such a small thing...a smile, but there have been times lately when I wondered if I'd ever smile again - especially when I thought of my wonderful husband. It seemed like every memory would render me to tears. They were just to painful.

I got a comment on an older article I wrote at Associated Content. It was one about our humorous camping escapades. He and I loved camping. After his death, I sold the camper and his beloved golf cart. And I cried as I drove away from the camper that would know longer create memories for us. I cried as the golf cart we used at the campground left my garage on the back of a trailer, headed for its new home.

My heart broke as I pulled up that article about our camping experiences. Could I read it without bursting into tears? You know, I read ever word and at the end I felt a slight smile tugging at both my face and my heart. Yes it hurts to know we'll never add to those memories, but I have many great memories I will forever hold dear in my heart, and for that, I do have a reason to smile. Thanks for the memories, Baby, I'll cherish them always...

The "Silent Killer"

While doing some research recently, I discovered that there is a Bill in the House Committee concerning Pancreatic cancer. It was presented in January of 2009. I never knew pancreatic cancer was so deadly until my family had to live through it.

My husband was a healthy man and never complained about anything. Oh he had minor colds, flu and even a couple hernia surgeries due to his job, but other than that, nothing. We never knew that pancreatic cancer was sneaking up and about to take him away from us.

Our Oncologist called it a "Silent Killer" and indeed he is right. He explained that by the time any symptoms present themselves it is because the cancer has spread and is causing problems somewhere else in the body. My husband had his first test to determine what was causing some minor pain. We expected to be told he had another hernia.

The diagnoses of pancreatic cancer tore our world apart. Still, we were sure some surgery and a few weeks recovery time would get him back to normal and back to work. That first test was February 23 and by April 23 he was gone. A "Silent Killer" indeed, because up until the first week of March, he was going to work everyday and looking forward to a long life with his family.

Once the cancer reared it's ugly head, it showed us just how fast it can take a loved one from you. March and April were spent mostly in Hospitals...not that they could do much but to control the pain. In the end, we tried to have him at home with us, as per his wishes, yet the pain was so unbearable we could not control it.

Pancreatic cancer is such an awful disease to suffer through, yet very little is known about it. There are no early detection tests, and the death rate is astronomical. In fact, it is so bad there needed to be a bill introduced asking for more education and awareness and funds to fight this particular type of cancer.

The mortality rate is set at 5 years, yet most don't make it to 1 year. Some only manage a few months after diagnoses. I certainly know these statistics are true. Pancreatic Cancer research is far behind its time. As a matter of fact, pancreatic cancer research is about where Breast Cancer research was in the 1930's.

Read HR 745 for yourself. My article about it is on the side bar. The statistics will overwhelm you. None of this awareness will help my husband, or my family, but it may help someone else in the future. This "Silent Killer" has got to be stopped, or at least slowed down!

In Loving Memory

October has been a really tough month for me. My last post was on the 3rd and I haven't been able to bring myself to write much since then. We were married on October 6th, 1972 and this is the first year I dreaded that date rolling around. October 23 also marked the 6 month anniversary of my husband's death. So no, I did not like October very much.

It was a hard month to cope with, yet I know it is the first of many milestones I will have to face as I continue on this journey of learning to be alone. I have spoken to several women in my position and they all say it is a series of ups and downs. You may think you are getting on fine and the next thing you know, something triggers the intense grief all over again.

After 6 months of "ups and downs...mostly downs" I can attest that this is true. Certain songs will trigger the emotions, certain shows that you have watched together and sometimes it will be just a memory that will pop into your head. They tell me it will all get easier to bare, but at times I sure don't feel like it will.

I did accomplish something to honor my husband that seemed to help me. We have built a beautiful memorial garden in my back yard. You see, my husband's wish was to be cremated and I carried those wishes out. So there is no cemetery to visit as he is eternally sealed in a beautiful mantel clock urn. The urn sits on his dresser in our bedroom, as per both of our wishes.

That is why I built the memorial garden...so we can have somewhere to visit, reflect and place memorial flowers. On the day of our anniversary I added a beautiful water fountain to the garden. water cascades down the top of a tall column and there is a flame burning on the top. It is called the Serenity fountain. I found that to be very fitting. He would have loved that fountain.

It will soon be to cold to sit outside and watch that water cascade from the ever glowing flame, but the garden is positioned right outside my office window, where I spend countless hours writing. It makes me feel better.

My rambling point here is to do whatever you need to do to make you feel a little peace and comfort. The garden was my way of feeling closer to him and somehow comforted. I tend the garden and keep it weed free. While I do that I talk to him. I believe he is listening.

We all will grieve in many different ways. My comfort is in keeping all of his things close to me. Some feel the need to remove the clothing and personal items of loved ones. Whatever feels right to you is the right thing to do. Just like I mentioned in my earlier post about the wedding rings. It is my intention to keep them on, you may feel different and that is okay.

I write this in loving memory of my husband who I desperately miss. October was hard, Honey, but I made it. I know you are watching and saying, "I knew you could." I love you...