October has been a really tough month for me. My last post was on the 3rd and I haven't been able to bring myself to write much since then. We were married on October 6th, 1972 and this is the first year I dreaded that date rolling around. October 23 also marked the 6 month anniversary of my husband's death. So no, I did not like October very much.
It was a hard month to cope with, yet I know it is the first of many milestones I will have to face as I continue on this journey of learning to be alone. I have spoken to several women in my position and they all say it is a series of ups and downs. You may think you are getting on fine and the next thing you know, something triggers the intense grief all over again.
After 6 months of "ups and downs...mostly downs" I can attest that this is true. Certain songs will trigger the emotions, certain shows that you have watched together and sometimes it will be just a memory that will pop into your head. They tell me it will all get easier to bare, but at times I sure don't feel like it will.
I did accomplish something to honor my husband that seemed to help me. We have built a beautiful memorial garden in my back yard. You see, my husband's wish was to be cremated and I carried those wishes out. So there is no cemetery to visit as he is eternally sealed in a beautiful mantel clock urn. The urn sits on his dresser in our bedroom, as per both of our wishes.
That is why I built the memorial garden...so we can have somewhere to visit, reflect and place memorial flowers. On the day of our anniversary I added a beautiful water fountain to the garden. water cascades down the top of a tall column and there is a flame burning on the top. It is called the Serenity fountain. I found that to be very fitting. He would have loved that fountain.
It will soon be to cold to sit outside and watch that water cascade from the ever glowing flame, but the garden is positioned right outside my office window, where I spend countless hours writing. It makes me feel better.
My rambling point here is to do whatever you need to do to make you feel a little peace and comfort. The garden was my way of feeling closer to him and somehow comforted. I tend the garden and keep it weed free. While I do that I talk to him. I believe he is listening.
We all will grieve in many different ways. My comfort is in keeping all of his things close to me. Some feel the need to remove the clothing and personal items of loved ones. Whatever feels right to you is the right thing to do. Just like I mentioned in my earlier post about the wedding rings. It is my intention to keep them on, you may feel different and that is okay.
I write this in loving memory of my husband who I desperately miss. October was hard, Honey, but I made it. I know you are watching and saying, "I knew you could." I love you...