Friday, January 1, 2010

Magical Midnight Door

Many of us were waiting for 2009 to be over. 2009 was like an unwelcome guest for me. It had overstayed it's welcome and caused nothing but pain in my house. I waited for that magical midnight door to open last night, just to make sure 2009 was really going out it.

I guess I thought that midnight would be some kind of magical door into my future. 12:01 came and as I sat here on my computer chatting with friends, I realized that there was no magic. Yes, 2010 was here, but nothing had changed. Did I think a new year would suddenly take away the loneliness, pain and grief I feel? I don't know.

Christmas was hard, as you have noticed there were no posts. I made my way through it because I had no choice. Tears were shed, yet small memories from Christmas' past made me smile a bit. My husband was here, if not physically, for sure in my heart and mind. I told him Merry Christmas, and last night I told him happy New Year, because that is what I am used to doing.

I know that there is no magic of any kind to make any of us going through this miraculously feel better. It is a process that each of us must go through on our own. A friend and neighbor recently lost his wife. We talk sometimes. He is at the 5 month period, while I am at 8 months. he wanted to know how long it will take.

I quite honestly told him I didn't know. There is no magic number or door to go through. Each of us must cope in our own way. You just can't judge grief by months or even years, but you will notice little things, like being able to smile, even slightly, at a memory instead of crying.

The ringing in of the new year was not a magic door, but it does bring hope. Hope that we can continue to heal through the grieving process, no matter how long it has been, or how hard it seems to be. Our lives must go on, in some sense. My doctor even told me, "Your life is not over, it is just different."

At the time I wasn't really listening to her words. Now they come back to me. Yes different, is a good way to explain it. This new year also brings with it a step into the future. It wasn't the future I had planned, and it isn't the one I want, but it is there and it is up to me to make the best of it. There was no magical midnight I will have to make my own door to step through...when I am ready.

That is really the best advice I can give myself, or any of you reading this. 2010 is a different year, just as we now have different lives. We go on in different ways, and that is okay. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be ready for this or that by now. There is no set time frame or rules to go by, except what your own heart and mind is feeling. Take a baby step into the new year and your new life...we'll walk or run when we are ready, just like a baby would do. maybe that is why they call it "Baby New Year"...