Saturday, May 15, 2010

One Year Later

I seemed to have left you all hanging as I sorted out this new, less than perfect life I am trying to lead. As it approached the one year anniversary of losing my husband, I found that I wasn't doing much of anything but dwelling in my loneliness and misery.

I have had many ups and downs since my last post. I have had good days and bad days. Some days I had the urge and desire to write and did so with a near obsession! Other days I don't even want to log in to any of the sites. So, yes, it is still very very hard.

The Downs

A little over a year ago, I was fighting to save my husband's life. Now ironically, I am fighting to save his dog's life that he left in my care. For the past 3 months she has been to the vet many times, twice for an extended stay. We do not know what is wrong with her. She has been tested for everything the vet can think of and the tests say she is healthy.

But she is not, and the hardest parts is that she is retaining an extreme amount of fluid that makes it hard for her to breath. The vet has her on lasix and has even "tapped" her belly to remove fluid, so that she can breath better. I know this procedure well, as it is exactly what my husband had to go through in his final days. I guess that is why it is so upsetting to me.

I promised him that I would take the best care of his dog that I could. I hope he knows I am trying. The vet has discussed possibly "putting her to sleep" but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. .. not without knowing exactly why this is happening to her, and that we can't fix her.

My car had some major problems and I had to figure out how to deal with that situation. My husband always took care of that and fixed them himself. He was a good mechanic and enjoyed doing it. I don't trust mechanic shops. Making the decision of where to take it, what to allow them to do, and settling on a price was a first for me. Thankfully a good friend worked in the parts department of the shop I took it to. He assured me that what they were doing was necessary.

The Ups

I mentioned that at times I wrote with a near obsession. I guess that paid off, because I did write and enter a short story into a contest. It actually placed and it will be sold as a digital download on the Twin Trinity Publishing site soon.

I wrote a poem and entered it to Accentuate Writing Services Anthology Contests. This poem was very near and dear to my heart. It will be published in an actual book sometime in 2012! These two accomplishments tell me I do have the talent to continue writing, I just sometimes lack the interest. But I am trying to overcome that.

One year later and I am still as lonely and grieving as when I started this blog. It is getting a little better though. I saw a post on Facebook that said, "You never stop feeling grief, it just erupts less often." That must be true, because I find I can go days without tears and then something will set me off, and I am crying and don't know why!

One year later and I am still wearing my wedding rings. It feels right to be wearing them, and so long as it does, I will continue to wear them. In fact, I still feel married even though all of those hateful boxes you have to check accuses me of being a widow.

So dear friends and readers, one year later, I am making the best of the situation I find myself
in. For those of you that are going through it too, I wish you the best. I know it is not easy. Just take things slowly, and rely on good friends and family.

I have met many good friends through the internet. They give me the virtual hug and hand holding I need when I am down. They give me the encouragement and pat on the back when I am up!

Thank you for being there, Dear Friends and Family

Friday, January 1, 2010

Magical Midnight Door

Many of us were waiting for 2009 to be over. 2009 was like an unwelcome guest for me. It had overstayed it's welcome and caused nothing but pain in my house. I waited for that magical midnight door to open last night, just to make sure 2009 was really going out it.

I guess I thought that midnight would be some kind of magical door into my future. 12:01 came and as I sat here on my computer chatting with friends, I realized that there was no magic. Yes, 2010 was here, but nothing had changed. Did I think a new year would suddenly take away the loneliness, pain and grief I feel? I don't know.

Christmas was hard, as you have noticed there were no posts. I made my way through it because I had no choice. Tears were shed, yet small memories from Christmas' past made me smile a bit. My husband was here, if not physically, for sure in my heart and mind. I told him Merry Christmas, and last night I told him happy New Year, because that is what I am used to doing.

I know that there is no magic of any kind to make any of us going through this miraculously feel better. It is a process that each of us must go through on our own. A friend and neighbor recently lost his wife. We talk sometimes. He is at the 5 month period, while I am at 8 months. he wanted to know how long it will take.

I quite honestly told him I didn't know. There is no magic number or door to go through. Each of us must cope in our own way. You just can't judge grief by months or even years, but you will notice little things, like being able to smile, even slightly, at a memory instead of crying.

The ringing in of the new year was not a magic door, but it does bring hope. Hope that we can continue to heal through the grieving process, no matter how long it has been, or how hard it seems to be. Our lives must go on, in some sense. My doctor even told me, "Your life is not over, it is just different."

At the time I wasn't really listening to her words. Now they come back to me. Yes different, is a good way to explain it. This new year also brings with it a step into the future. It wasn't the future I had planned, and it isn't the one I want, but it is there and it is up to me to make the best of it. There was no magical midnight I will have to make my own door to step through...when I am ready.

That is really the best advice I can give myself, or any of you reading this. 2010 is a different year, just as we now have different lives. We go on in different ways, and that is okay. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be ready for this or that by now. There is no set time frame or rules to go by, except what your own heart and mind is feeling. Take a baby step into the new year and your new life...we'll walk or run when we are ready, just like a baby would do. maybe that is why they call it "Baby New Year"...