Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Starting a Whole New Life with No Choice…

"I hope these post give you some peace or comfort, or at least lets you know that you are not alone. There are many widows out there that know exactly what you are feeling and thinking. Together we can go on...one step at a time."

Once the funeral or Memorial Service is over, most all of the family and friends go back to their busy lives, not much has really changed for them accept being able to seeing the person from time to time. When the deceased person is your spouse, you have nothing to return to…your life is not now, or will it ever be the same again.

Your home, your routine, your very existence has changed. You feel lost, even in familiar surroundings. Your home is the same, but it’s different. You’ll never sit down to the dinner table with him again, you will never lay beside him as he snores away at night. You’ll never have long conversations late into the night.

Most widows will tell you that it is the comfort and companionship of having him there that they miss the most. Just the mere thought of knowing someone is there with you while you eat, sleep or watch TV makes you feel safe and comfortable and that has been suddenly taken from you.

Though friends may insist it is not true, even social relationships change. Some friends will stay away simply because they don’t know what to say or do for you. Others will hover and try to do everything until you are both annoyed with each other.

It’s not that they are doing anything wrong, it’s basically that they don’t understand what you are going through, or how you really feel or what you need. Then again, how could they when you don’t understand it all yourself?

When you are used to going out with other couples, they will continue to ask you. I get that it feels strange to go out as the third wheel, but they won’t understand why you keep declining invitations. I have turned down invitations with family and friends just because it felt so strange to be there alone. I was used to being a “couple” and was not comfortable as a “single” so I chose not to go.

It is hard to try to go on and have some kind of life after the one you are used to totally vanishes. Someone once told me something that has stuck with me all of these years…It’s like losing a jacket that you have had forever. 

You loved that jacket and it fit perfectly. No other jacket will ever replace that one, but you can get a new, different jacket. It will never replace your old one, but you will come to like the new one too….it’ll just take awhile.

I hope these post give you some peace or comfort, or at least lets you know that you are not alone. There are many widows out there that know exactly what you are feeling and thinking. Together we can go on...one step at a time.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Widow to Widow

I happened across a Widow’s group on Facebook one night. I was feeling especially lonely and figured I’d check them out. It’s one of the best things I have ever done, because nobody understands exactly how you feel when you lose a loved one like someone who has been through it.

This group is in various stages of dealing with their grief. Some have not been widows for very long…some have been widows for years, much like me. Belonging to a group like this on the internet means that there is someone always there to talk to, no matter what time of the day or night you feel the need to log on.

In this group, you can express your sadness, your anger, your frustration or whatever else you need to say without being judged. No one tells you to “just deal with it” because they understand.

It’s not a “pity party” group. We help each other with things that are new to us. Out of all the members, usually someone has dealt with one circumstance or another and can give advice. We even tell each other how to make household or automotive repairs!

Widows often feel like they are alone and struggling. Joining a group of other widows helps us to feel…well, not so alone. We can ask questions about all the many things a widow faces as she makes this new lonely walk. Trust me, it helps.

If you are a new widow, or even a long time widow, I would recommend joining a group on Facebook. You may even find another widow that lives close enough so that the two of you (or three or four) can get together for lunch, dinner or any other kind of outing you all enjoy.

We even call it a “Sisterhood” of sorts and we all understand that none of us really want to be a part of a Widow’s group, but it’s the hand we have been dealt. Trust me, the women in my group are pretty awesome and we sure have gotten each other over some tough hurdles.

The admin is pretty strict about who she lets in, as we all know that widows get preyed on by some unscrupulous folks, so you can feel pretty safe, in my group at least. If you are a Widow and are interested in the group I am in, find me on Facebook and let me know and I will pass your info along to the admin of the group.