Saturday, May 15, 2010

One Year Later

I seemed to have left you all hanging as I sorted out this new, less than perfect life I am trying to lead. As it approached the one year anniversary of losing my husband, I found that I wasn't doing much of anything but dwelling in my loneliness and misery.

I have had many ups and downs since my last post. I have had good days and bad days. Some days I had the urge and desire to write and did so with a near obsession! Other days I don't even want to log in to any of the sites. So, yes, it is still very very hard.

The Downs

A little over a year ago, I was fighting to save my husband's life. Now ironically, I am fighting to save his dog's life that he left in my care. For the past 3 months she has been to the vet many times, twice for an extended stay. We do not know what is wrong with her. She has been tested for everything the vet can think of and the tests say she is healthy.

But she is not, and the hardest parts is that she is retaining an extreme amount of fluid that makes it hard for her to breath. The vet has her on lasix and has even "tapped" her belly to remove fluid, so that she can breath better. I know this procedure well, as it is exactly what my husband had to go through in his final days. I guess that is why it is so upsetting to me.

I promised him that I would take the best care of his dog that I could. I hope he knows I am trying. The vet has discussed possibly "putting her to sleep" but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. .. not without knowing exactly why this is happening to her, and that we can't fix her.

My car had some major problems and I had to figure out how to deal with that situation. My husband always took care of that and fixed them himself. He was a good mechanic and enjoyed doing it. I don't trust mechanic shops. Making the decision of where to take it, what to allow them to do, and settling on a price was a first for me. Thankfully a good friend worked in the parts department of the shop I took it to. He assured me that what they were doing was necessary.

The Ups

I mentioned that at times I wrote with a near obsession. I guess that paid off, because I did write and enter a short story into a contest. It actually placed and it will be sold as a digital download on the Twin Trinity Publishing site soon.

I wrote a poem and entered it to Accentuate Writing Services Anthology Contests. This poem was very near and dear to my heart. It will be published in an actual book sometime in 2012! These two accomplishments tell me I do have the talent to continue writing, I just sometimes lack the interest. But I am trying to overcome that.

One year later and I am still as lonely and grieving as when I started this blog. It is getting a little better though. I saw a post on Facebook that said, "You never stop feeling grief, it just erupts less often." That must be true, because I find I can go days without tears and then something will set me off, and I am crying and don't know why!

One year later and I am still wearing my wedding rings. It feels right to be wearing them, and so long as it does, I will continue to wear them. In fact, I still feel married even though all of those hateful boxes you have to check accuses me of being a widow.

So dear friends and readers, one year later, I am making the best of the situation I find myself
in. For those of you that are going through it too, I wish you the best. I know it is not easy. Just take things slowly, and rely on good friends and family.

I have met many good friends through the internet. They give me the virtual hug and hand holding I need when I am down. They give me the encouragement and pat on the back when I am up!

Thank you for being there, Dear Friends and Family

1 comment:

  1. i don't remember exactly how long it was before I took off my wedding rings. A friend told me I would just know when that time came. She was right. When I did take them off I was at peace knowing it was right. A very smart person told me to give the grief two years. It has been two years and it is better, but life will never be the same only different.