Losing a Soul Mate Hurts…License or Not

Karen and I have never met in person, yet we have a very strong bond between us. Though we have been “cyber” friends for a long time, we now “get” each other even more and spend countless hours talking about our feelings. Unfortunately, the thing we have in common is that Karen recently lost the love of her life just like I did back in 2009.

Karen and John’s tale is a magical love story that many of us were privileged to watch develop on line. John’s death was sudden and left Karen alone and devastated. I get that feeling….it’s still there after more than two years of living alone in a world I never wanted. Karen and John never got the chance to marry, though I am sure that would have been in their plans, yet her grief is every bit as strong as mine is.

The thing is, a soul mate is a soul mate and a marriage license does not dictate the level of pain a person goes through when they lose someone that they loved with all of their heart. Marriage license or not, we both hurt the same, shed the same storm of tears, feel the same loneliness and grief.

I got to thinking about all of this, and the use of the term Widow. It doesn’t necessarily mean someone who was married and lost her mate. Karen feels as much a widow now as I do. I called this blog “My Widow’s Web” not because of the term, but much because of the way I felt.

Losing someone you love, is like running into a spider web. You know that panicked, creepy feeling, where you swing your arms and want to get away, but it seems like every direction you turn that web is still there, seeming to cut off your sanity and any rational thought you could possibly muster? I feel like I have been walking around in a web these past two years. The small little threads cling to me, even though others might not be able to see them.

I encouraged Karen, who is also a writer, to start a blog of her own to express her feelings. The grief of losing a soul mate is not something we wanted to have in common, but it is something we can help each other through. If you need us, we will help you, console you or just listen to you. You can even help us, as Karen starts her Journey Through the Darkness and I continue to fight my way out of My Widows Web.

A marriage license doesn’t dictate how much you love someone or how much it hurts to lose them….we all hurt, grieve, cry and feel totally lost…it’s a journey none of us wanted, but hopefully together, we can continue to put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, I’ll hold you up and sometimes you may have to hold me up….we can do this, one step at a time.

Year Two of My Journey

I find it hard to believe that it has been 2 years now that have been a widow. The past year has seen many ups and downs for me. Is life getting any better? Sometimes I think it is and at other times I think I am just adapting as best as I can. I still miss my husband and I suppose always will.

I do try to venture out of the house more than I did the first year. It still feels very odd to attend family functions by myself, but I am managing and most times I enjoy them. It's the times when I come home or everyone leaves my home, that I am hit with the intense loneliness.

The Midwest has been slammed with severe storms this spring. I am terrified of storms and especially tornadoes. That is really the worst! They didn't bother my husband in the least, but he was always there to comfort me when the thunder and lightening began. Now I pace the floors in fear. I have family that will come over if they think I am really scared or if the storms get bad, but then I feel like such a big baby for asking them!

So many things to get used to that you would never even think about. Summer is quickly approaching and I find myself missing motorcycle riding and camping. Those were the two things my husband and I enjoyed the most. Motorcycles go by and I wish I was on one just racing down the highway!